Do You Pick Your Battles?
When we’re feeling vulnerable, stressed or overwhelmed so many things can be an irritant.
We may find that we take everything personally. A comment, question or even the other person’s silence can cause exasperation and result in us feeling annoyed. Those times can be especially prevalent during difficult periods of life, like when there’s a divorce, health issue or financial worries. Times when we’re feeling out of control and at a loss as to what to do next can mean that we’re extra sensitive to external triggers.
But, if we’re quick to snap at others, are sarcastic and bad-tempered, what happens then? We may find ourselves bickering and escalating a situation that may well have blown over by itself and can consequently end up not liking ourselves very much. This behaviour may even cause stress in our relationships and ignite negativity that wasn’t there before.
At these times, when there’s tension in the air, it can be good to let things slide and remember to pick our battles. If we’re feeling ratty and on edge, it can be beneficial if we have a short, sharp word with ourselves and remember that some things don’t warrant an out and out war. There are times when it’s far better to breathe and let it go, no matter who’s to ‘blame’.
Sometimes, we may see that the other person’s on edge and clearly out of sorts. They may be going through a tough time, feeling overwhelmed, have a lot going on and every little thing annoys them, even us simply eating or breathing!
It’s helpful to reflect that there’s not always a need to comment or answer back if someone’s being rude or abrasive with us, especially if they’re not their usual selves and are clearly stressed. Okay, we may not deserve their response, it may not justify us being picked on or criticised, it may be that we just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time! But, in that moment it may not be the best time to defend ourselves or comment on another’s behaviour. Sometimes a little kindness or some gentle humour might be a far more effective remedy to defuse the situation and improve their mood.
‘Acting a bit thick’ can have a place in this scenario too, where we ‘don’t notice’ what’s being said or done. When we act thick we appear completely oblivious to any undertones in their comment, look or tone and instead behave as if everything’s fine. The other person may be surprised that we’ve not ‘bitten back’ and reacted but they’re unlikely to comment and admit that they were being sarcastic or rude. This means that any negativity often quickly blows over.
Humour can have a place in this scenario too. Laughing when we suddenly realise how ridiculous we’re being. When we hear ourselves picking a row over trivia, but check ourselves and subsequently respond with an amused reaction it can help de-escalate a fractious situation. Humour can help us question if we really need to analyse and dissect someone’s potentially nasty comment or scenario in order to find fault or score points.
Divorce can be one of those times, often bringing out the worst in us, especially if we’re the aggrieved party. But, if children are involved, it can be a kindness to pick your battles, for everyone affected. If it’s your weekend to have the children, but your ex has an event that they and the children would like to attend why not be flexible and let them go. You’ll earn a few brownie points and everyone has a nicer time.
And, even if your gesture doesn’t appear to be appreciated you can smile inwardly and know that you’ve been fair and done the right thing. Equally, is there really a need to haggle over every picture, piece of china or theatre ticket? Does it warrant such an investment of time, energy and emotion?
So many people talk about ‘the principle of the thing’ when they feel they’ve been overcharged or not treated properly and, indeed, calling someone out on their wrong doing can be important, but not everything needs investigating to the nth degree. Sometimes a raised eyebrow, sigh or wry smile conveys the message! And certainly allows for a more peaceful approach to life.
It can be better, more effective to remain deadpan, say nothing and leave the other person with their argumentative frame of mind. If they’re in the zone, firmly fixed in their desire to have a row, sometimes the best decision is to nod and agree that they’re right, shrug, smile and simply walk away. We may even wryly recognise how little this will matter in a few days or weeks. Appearing indifferent can help us avoid reacting, ‘losing it’ and giving away our power, so staying more positively in control. Picking our battles is often a good decision.
Article By Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
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