…the weirder, darker, stranger side of Christmas

Don’t look now but Christmas is here again. Decorations are hurriedly, or reluctantly, pulled down from the loft, people start panic buying, gorging on chocolate pick and mix and… in a dark cave in Canada, Michael Buble stirs from his eleven-month hibernation.

And while most of us – probably – are quite happy with the season of goodwill, we might want to mix things up a bit. You know. Get out of old habits and do things a little differently this year.

So, if that‘s you, strap yourself in and come with us for a light-hearted look at four of the most bizarre ways Christmas traditions have taken a turn for the weirdest or frankly altogether terrifying. From frog homicide to Christmas dinner at a fast food joint, here are a few ways you could add a little sparkle, or fear, to this year’s festivities.

Christmas cards

We’ve been sending cards since the 19^th century, but with the cost of stamps continuing to increase, it seems the traditional card is beginning to fall out of favour.

Besides not really having the time to write all those cards, find the postcode for everyone, lick the stamps and haul them to the post-box, why would you want to spend your time writing to people you don’t like, or worse, to Jan and Mike, the couple you met on holiday in Spain six years ago?

We tried to escape this chore in the late 90s with ecards but that still meant writing to everyone individually. At least Facebook has saved us – for now – by letting us post one message to all our real friends and fake friends simultaneously.

Hang on a second!

Maybe we’re missing a trick here. If we sent cards like the Victorians used to, we might find ourselves in fits of laughter, or more likely sheer terror. From dead cock robins, children whipping other children, to a snowman gobbling up a mother and grotesque clowns attacking policemen with red hot pokers, the Victorian “sense of humour” is something to behold. What better way to wish someone a “Happy Christmas” than frog-on-frog murder?

Christmas Dinner 

Even if you are a self-proclaimed Scrooge and want to smash the speakers at the slightest sound of Slade, or the merest twinkle of tinsel, you probably still secretly look forward to one tradition: Christmas dinner.

For centuries, this fabled feast has brought families together to eat their own body weight in stuffing and vegetables. One by one you will collapse, bloated, sleepy and defeated. But, as mere mortals, nobody can resist the lure of seconds.

Turkey has only actually been a Christmas staple since the 1950s, but today is becoming increasingly side-lined as many people, tired of leftover sandwiches into the New Year, look to fish or duck as an alternative. Where the taste for marine life and other flying creatures has come from, we’re not sure, but we suspect it’s a marketing campaign funded by the Turkey Preservation Society.

But wait, there’s more!

If you want to try something really different this year, you should give this Japanese tradition a try. On the back of a hugely successful advertising campaign in the 1970s, KFC has become a customary choice for dinner for millions, with pre-orders made from October and huge lines as people come to collect their orders. It hasn’t yet caught on in Britain, so don’t worry, you won’t have to get up at 3 a.m. to beat the queues to get your family bucket this year.

Secret Santa has left the building 

It might not be a long-standing tradition in the UK, but the office Secret Santa ritual has been growing in popularity year on year, to the point that buying Neil from accounting a willy warmer has become an essential part of the contemporary run up to Christmas.

A new survey reveals that Secret Santa is no longer just for the workplace. In fact, almost one quarter of British Secret Santa exchanges will be done between friends and one in five will be between families. If you have managed to get your friends or family to agree to this, congratulations, you are officially a cheapskate for looking to only buy one present this year!

Try this on for size

The place that Secret Santa has really taken off is online. Reddit have conducted a Secret Santa since 2009 but New Zealand has taken it to a new level. This year, NZ Post, the equivalent of Royal Mail has arranged a nationwide Secret Santa via social media with almost 2,000 people taking part. By joining in, you are going to have to take part in some “light stalking” but that’s not a lot to ask if you want to get a weird or wonderful gift from a total stranger.

To tree or not to tree

We’ve been bringing Christmas trees into our homes since forever it seems – the 16^th century actually – but it’s becoming increasingly rare as many people prefer to have an artificial tree at home (without all the spiders, bugs and angry squirrels hidden inside).

Modern twists have seen people choosing black trees and upside down trees, but what is becoming increasingly popular, thanks to creative social media sites like Pinterest, is a range of minimalist and space saving trees. Now you too can construct a modern anti-tree from little more than a pile of books and some fairy lights.

Add a little vajazzle dazzle

If your partner’s avant-garde side overtakes your festive decorating this year, take comfort that it’s unlikely to be as shocking as the latest tree trend for 2016. Vaginaments were created by a Canadian Etsy seller and have been a big hit online. Depending on your persuasion, these vagina shaped baubles could add equal parts feminine charm and horror to your tree. “Is that…” your guests will ask. “Yes. Yes it is!” you can proudly respond, “more advocaat?”

Go your own way

As you pick through the remains of your KFC bucket and admire your vajazzled tree, you should feel proud. You’ve taken on the traditionalists and done Christmas your way. Okay, perhaps you might not go so far next year, but it is meant to be fun and enjoyable, and we certainly had fun… right?

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Article By Terry Hearn